笑不活了，人间真相精准踩雷，那些英国人局促的日常。
这本书好玩冷幽默搞笑心酸。
说是英国人的问题，但发现全世界人或多或少都有点同感，我反正精准踩雷多次。
所有的敏感、尴尬、无所适从、唯唯诺诺，搞笑又心酸。
比如：
道歉作为口头禅，如可以为任何无关的事道歉。
极尽的讽刺，如正话反说，反话正说，说好可能是很坏，说不坏那就是很好。
人前体面，说有点不舒服，其实是快die了。
公共场合希望自己是透明人。
……
精选部分，以供踩雷。
以下为部分摘录：
- Playing it Cool
Looking as if you’re practising a solo waltz while surreptitiously attempting to remove something unfortunate from your brogue.
Running for the bus, missing it and carrying on the run for a short while .
- The Very British Test
There’s no cure, and it doesn’t wear off with time; terribly sorry about that, old bean.
- Office Etiquette
Only ever filling your bottle up to halfway at the water cooler because you can’t stand the pressure.
Noticing your boss about to take the lift so taking the stairs, despite being on the 37th floor .
Carrying your £400 iPad to work and back every single day, but never once removing it from your bag for fear of looking ostentatious.
- British Rail Disasters
Standing ready to exit the train a full ten minutes before your station.
- Very Historical British Problems
The Great Plague rampages through London, causing thousands to complain of feeling ‘a bit peaky’ while saying ‘I’ll survive’, before keeling over and dying rather horribly.
- Unwritten Rules
The unwelcome surprise of someone telling you how they are after you’ve asked them how they are.
- Shopping Slip-Ups
Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoidseeing them again.
Finding someone examining the goods you need in the supermarket, so pretending to inspect another item until they leave.
Feeling obliged to put a productin your basket after trying a freesample, then depositing it on arandom shelf and hoping you’renot arrested.
Patiently queuing in a queue that turns out not to be aqueue at all.
Considering handing yourself indespite the shop alarm having nothing to do with you.
- Keeping Calm and Carrying On
Falling over and apologising to the person helping you up.
Going to your doctor andreplying, ‘I’m fine, thank you,’when they ask how you are.
Translating ‘carpe diem’ as ‘treat yourself to a slightly more expensive load of bread’.
Assuring your hairdresser that the water temperature is fine, despite a strong suspicion that your scalp is beginning to melt.
Saying, ‘It’s nothing, really …’to indicate you’re seconds from losing consciousness.
- Repressing One’s Rage
The exhausting exasperation resulting from people who try to enter the lift before you’ve exited.
Someone pressing the button at a pelican crossing when you’ve clearly just pressed it.
Never failing to feel flabbergasted by the total lack of queuing protocol at bus stops.
- Language Barriers
Telling someone you’re speaking to them ‘with all due respect’ to indicate you disagree with their point of view entirely .
Saying something was ‘quite good’ to indicate how truly terrible it was.
Saying you’ll ‘bear something in mind’, thus indicating your plan to forget all about it almost immediately.
- Future Very British Problems
Every single inanimate object in Britain now features a Keep Calm and Carry On logo.
An asteroid plummets towards Earth. Seconds before impact, the sound of every Brit (81 million of them living in the UK by this point in time) muttering the word ‘bugger’ causes a sonic vibration of such force that the giant rock shatters to dust. Millions of kettles are then boiled in celebration.「笑死」
- Public Speaking
Willing yourself invisible on hearing the question, ‘Do we have a volunteer? ’
Being more willing to go for a paddle in water known to attract crocodiles than sit in the front row of a stand-up comedy performance.
- Aviation Aggravation
Allowing your bladder to explode rather than wake a fellow plane passenger.
- The Minefield of Manners
Stoically accepting your role as a doorman to an unexpectedly long queue of people.
- The Very British Glossary
Bugger:
Expression of dismay after experiencing anything from a minor upset (slicing your foot off with the lawnmower) to unthinkable tragedy (missing your tea’s optimum drinking temperature).
Sorry:
Uttered more than any other word in a Brit’s vocabulary, as an expression of apology, as a greeting or simply for no reason whatsoever.