时隔这么多年终于又玩上了！然而再一次想revisit的动机其实是因为看了春雪 觉得自己要实地考察大正时期的日本 anyways after background prep thanks to松之清显之后 觉得我去20年代真的是牛逼（任何一个外来文化进入 社会变动的时代都很酷炫？and makes for great novels/games/anything that entails imagination 隐约想到了初中学那种课本上很无聊的历史跟小伙伴都觉得好像鸦片战争之后一下蜜汁就变得in a bizarre way enticing了(despite all the shame education they try to push on us) （而现在的时代不存在文化只有资本主义/globalization同化一切 贫富差异增大 到处conservatism/分割的nationalism on the rise 经济发展问题的externality又无人问津* 虽然我obviously无法左右身处的时代at least游戏啊文艺可以体会一下那种时代变化新的思潮/lifestyle冲击着已有的文化和传统那种conflicting又open又很hopeful/朝气蓬勃的感觉？（现在的era也朝气蓬勃就是有点egoistic导致一些问题无人问津一些事情上废物一堆 然后那种collective的open的感觉有所欠缺）毕竟文艺作品就是try to reflect society moeurs 让人反思人和社会的关系 好的作品总是看起来时代specific但实际上就是universal不管什么样的当下的有implication……虽然这个的初衷就是一个小黄油但由于设置种种实在过于immersive（各种对女主心理描述 就怕玩家不relate）和各种背景setting都能找到春雪里面的reference（我真的觉得自己牛逼死了）导致我这次打这个跟18岁就是想搞黄色看看有没有什么exciting又猎奇的scenario的心态有一丝丝不一样…反正内容也记不得了重新玩一遍看看自己对这方面的东西感觉是否有改变/progression, since sexuality is such foundamental emotional pillars that ground people in this world...

anyways 我隐约记得当时精虫上脑的我觉得所有的HE都是辣鸡 就BE才有一些好玩/撸？的东西 然后我好像最喜欢的character是女主家gardener 因为貌似是最终大反派（好像最后还带着女主去上海卖鸦片做的很大 感觉好像这个是最喜欢的结局） 可能毕竟那个时候比较年幼无知 对男人/爱情的expectation就是excitement（快带我去犯罪(and give me power give me experience)) 但我现在想想 比较对于在我那种比较封闭的环境长大又对周围的环境/人充满好奇的小姑娘来讲 见男人就是最直接/accessible means of adventure/外面的世界 就算occassionally他们rude一点payoff也值了 常在河边走哪有不湿鞋 (and they have served that purpose for me until they're not) 所以对事情的评判真的不能只看symptoms 我其实真的对男人本身毫无想法 但出门 冒险 在我刚来一个新的地方朋友不多周末又要出去玩可以出去玩这些都是很实在的东西 well 我现在依然觉得爱情/生活就是冒险就是romance love/passion一定是situated in adventure中的 冒险就是浪漫就是爱情 我觉得我的existence其实entirely base off of such情感(love/passion加上freedom)的只不过love/passion不见得狭义的具象在一个具体的人身上: 开拓一个新的business也是adventure/romance(the most permissible and easy to achieve one in our current capitalism 我can't agree to资本主义鼓励的greed 但我finally found my way into it (since we're on this world, it indeed allocated resources and i have to make peace with it somehow) by the exploring/excavating sth new part) explore一个新的领域/medium/make sth也是...我之前可能觉得不行 as if i would need someone to help me with my adventure 我现在真的觉得i am free to do whatever i'm pleased and the entire external world不过是reflection of my internal being 我想怎么adventure都可以 只是需要不断能够找到excite我的东西拼命的抓着它然后做的好而已……总之这个游戏我18岁打过一次印象深刻的原因基本上就是啊我要探险小游戏but探险的竟然是男人！真有意思 男性视角可能会喜欢攻略很多不同长相的女生for sex 但我感觉我的动力好像是去攻略不同的感受和experience 好像又活了18遍 翻人如翻书就很有意思 介于我25岁了应该比较成熟了就想体会一下现在翻一遍它的感受

基于上述原因我这次打 好像就没那么keen on 真岛线反而rather surprised我以前觉得这个好 就like 没事把房子炸了那么多次唯一一次没炸有什么好夸奖的= = 但可能他somehow还比较好笑然后比较符合capable又厌世的cynic的lone wolf的感觉 可能角色还比较现代就还行吧 至少比较独立比较自由……反而是 我一开始不记得他炸了那么多房子就记得他是我第一次玩的crush 然后后面好像隐藏的戏有很多也还很capable 第一次他出场被描述成特别温和 阳光 和花花草草 女主初恋vibe的男生 before第一个看起来好像是更serious/符合traditional成功定义一些的suitor出现 我当时还隐约感觉tiens tiens这才是desirable男性的关键！in an ideal world where everyone is self sufficient and women won't feel obliged to be obsequeious to the "provider" type to secure their own safety/other goals, 哪个女生不会被温柔阳光和花花草草打动呢 (然后刚温柔过mlgb他就开始炸房子了我就like wtf这男的还好嘛, also i don't understand why they have so much issues with incest between brothers and sisters, it's really just at most a bit strange and harmed nobody else至于要杀这么多人)

我以前觉得rather boring的斯波（self made成功商人 暴发户）可能主要是觉得不喜欢ego很大霸道总裁vibe的人 但哈！我上了一个ivy league之后male ego算是开眼了 这少这个剧里面这个男的对女主根本没有ego的问题 反而有问题就解决还grateful的态度rather sincere（可能一定程度上意识到自己其实relate/aspire to/跟这种人就是一类人 商人并没有问题 有问题的是利用他人 wield/amass power和无法满足的ego和greed）而且还是比较好笑的 虽然卧室aesthetics那确实是差了一点……而且面对女主在这个游戏里遇到的问题（双亲莫名其妙被谋杀家里有名头却没钱）真的唯一的办法就是赶紧跟这种男的结婚 才能解决问题 而且有能力还humble的男的在如今世界里it's a myth（on the other hand这样的女的倒是much more prevalent（自满的指向自己（？））但由于有点虚假所以这个角色好像也不是真的感觉色情意义上的desirable… 不然选择什么哥哥（文艺 美 丧）好的结局也是逃到国外/避世（which也挺好 但就我作为一个想要自己以身试法去搞这些的人只会感到对这样男的的欣赏 而让我去desire/帮助成就/作为对象subjugate to他制造出来的order而不是自己开脱一个新的那肯定是比较难看到desirability）而且为了打出哥哥的HE 因为这种男的事实意义上真的太不capable了只能女主自己想办法解决大boss（还好是黄油 大boss crush并原谅了女主好歹还能圆过去）但哥哥这样的角色在BE里就比较有优势 因为毕竟事情看的通透 这种比较阴的角色事实意义上手无缚鸡之力但堕落/decadence方面哎那确实是非常有力量 （苍天啊 生活活生生把我从瑞人变成了斯波）虽然 额 优雅没落老爷解决金钱问题的方法（优雅肯定是不能工作的）只能靠卖（但卖不是工作工作不是卖嘛？瑞人老爷肯定是万万没想到这样就来到资本主义快乐屋）

青梅竹马的话（可能是因为反正我没有 也不太能理解这种感情）我记得我以前觉得很无聊 但我这次打的感觉是其实还挺nice 因为to each his capabilities 竹马本身就比商人青涩还嘴硬 虽然感觉弱鸡但是事实求是上为女主做的事上愿意sacrifice最多的？商人不过多整了点钱但竹马说上就上战场 虽然可能是无聊的人但一定程度上还是manifest一种自己的principles/intergrity的吧 这种人如今就不是很多 所以看到虽然不见得会觉得desirable至少还是会respect 但竹马的一个BE倒是不错 感觉他终于雄起and give in to his desires...不说人的quality/事实层面realistic or not 我觉得erotically最enticing for me的就是objectification and consequent shaming 但我好像一般desire这种的时候也就脑补脑补…感觉事实上一个男的来shame我such idea a bit too preposterous so i'm now normally on the other side, which is why fantasy usually stay on the side of fantasy...我倒是curious if somehow such things could be a reality and most importantly how (我觉得男的和女的最大的区别就在于男的有吃饭的需求 不吃饭会死 而女的只有吃米其林的需求 不吃也就不会怎么样 等一等自然会吃上天天吃反而还会腻 （当然只是我））管家的话也是HE看不到有什么好的 BE里面跟商人结婚顾管家当sex slave倒是还行 （但感觉这种就属于fantasy不是很爽实操比较爽（更心理的爽？））

但反正打这个游戏得到另一个有趣的observation是 社会value/what‘s supposed to be good/bad真的都是很fluid/根据how society is organized/what's needed来的 比如文艺的哥哥（没落贵族）跟商人（new rich）最大的争执就是钱是很辣鸡的 暴发户发战争财低俗的企图用钱收买一切 自己虽然家里没钱绝对不可能让家里人上街工作的（优雅才是最重要的）……which is entirely counter-intuitive to我们当下的ethics: prioritize工作/禁欲 reward self made/promote金钱 企图用金钱/生产/消费的框架去summarize everything including 优雅 including 环境问题（which有时候work有时候不work）所以说很多东西即使我们现在看起来好像就是真理的东西 很可能就短短几十年前换一个context 价值判断优劣就完全不同 先到这点真的就觉得人不能so fixated on一些所谓的universal“不言自明的真理” 对越是proclaim universal的东西保持怀疑 多看书experience生活 坚持和找到自己的principles 毕竟世界上最初只有差异 有了ideology才有了好坏优劣价值判断 所以我们每次perceive到或者自己jump to价值判断的时候应该问自己的问题其实都是 what's the ideology behind this

*我意识到despite我对我所处的overall环境sound rather critical because in a way it's fact, but at the same time for my own individual fate i couldn't be happier for being born in any other different time (i have goals/visions of what i want, certains obstacles that i need to remove but (knock on wood) not anything 地狱级难度 and not a joke either, so that they won't be unfulfilling (i can still get certain sense of accomplishment for achieving them), and such experiences are good for self awareness/empathy/overall understanding of others/possible experience in this world; and consequently confidence and a naive and cheerful hope in achieving them and arrive at a certain self definition that is somewhat different than my previous generation) it's very much an irony that now collectively, society/world as a whole doesn't seem to be heading towards anything good in the short term (conservatism, insufficiency of capitalism that create more problems rather than solving them), but as individuals in the at least the more wealthy parts of the west, we're nevertheless so blindly optimisitc of our inidivual lot and how perfectly fine our mediocre bourgeois life is going...after all i don't have much historical data points to compare myself with, since people like me (women, chinese, immigrant now in the west) aren't even part of history/economic activies since not so long ago. i am excited because in a sense no one really has come before me so i can go about define myself (compare to the me who were so concerned about class guilt or imposter syndrome not so long ago), while i can't seem to discount the fact that my happy existence of going about and fulfilling my very classic, american individualism seems to be (on the very background) at a cost of sth else: yes my backyard is very fine, but we know for sure there must be something outside of the backyard, and even if the backyard is so huge as the size of country, it is still a backyard. well, these are all very idle thoughts suitble for a beach and a cocktail, small potato as i am who have so little control in behaviors of world affaires, or even others but only myself, i don't think i'll change my bahavior pattern anyhow rather than allocate my effort to where i sense the greatest marginal utility (but maybe down the line at a point when i have better capability i could be of help some way - for our treacherous moral obligations)

(the above just made me wonder, if collectively it's not an geological excavation era but on an individual level it still is since we not have much more agency that before (but also solitude that we must bear as cost), then i guess it's still the best of times)