18岁第一次读我只觉得这里面人有神经病 为什么这么拧巴为什么不能热爱生命一点 but now that at 25 i see that 有些书是让你热爱生命的 （Mahabharata让你热爱生命 癌症楼让你热爱生命 卡拉马佐夫让你热爱生命 chekov也是 日瓦戈医生…也许大概吧）while some are about concepts, about the life that you as a physical being was not able to live out in reality. at this almost concluding point of my early 20s, i've lived and experienced and i realized the inevitable vulgarity in my 热爱生命 (and consequently my defesiveness towards it in my youth in an attempt to preserve my fledgling beliefs), yet nevertheless it's my choice now that i'm too 俗气 to be able to feel sufficient from indulging in the pleasure of being pure sensationist (i very uncouthly would like to live, prosper if anything, which almost necessarily implies accepting certain compromises, some foolish and arrogant self-preservation and embellishing the inevitable degenerations as something else) but that doesn't harm me from imagining how life could have been otherwise, how in the realm of pure sensations, it could be so impeccably intact. still, 没有消逝就不会有美 如今我们的世界里（globalized, 新自由主义历史的终结的世界里) are we still experiencing 如下感情的战争嘛？if not, what are we fighting for then? (期待看完4本之后的感受 mishima seems to be saying that even decadence can be something violent and full of strength...in a sense, i am much firmer than how i started years ago, yet i've still not figured out a way to make use of my seemingly needless sensitivities）

“我刚才不是说了些奇怪的话吗？听到你和聪子小姐的事，想起了日俄战争的照片。

“我在考虑，为何会这样呢？若是硬要摆出道理，也许就因为下面这些缘由。

随着明治时代的过去，那些兵荒马乱的战争年代终结了。往昔的战争故事，已经堕落为监武课堂上幸存军官的功名录和乡间炉畔的渔樵夜话，如今的年轻人，谁还肯跑到战场去送死呢？

“然而，行为的战争结束了，代之而来的，感情的战争时代到来了。这场无形的战争，那些头脑迟钝的家伙是完全感觉不到的，甚至不相信会有这种战争。但是，这种战争确实已经开始，为着这场战争所特选的青年们，无疑已经开始了战斗。你小子就是其中之一。

“同行为战场一样，我认为，年轻人也会战死于感情的疆场，这恐怕就是以你为代表的我们时代的命运……看来，你已经决心战死在这个新型战争的战场上了，对吗？”

清显一个劲儿微笑，不作回答。窗外，吹来一阵雨前湿润而凝重的风，他们汗津津的前额，犹如倏忽扫过冰凉的刷毛。本多认为，清显之所以没有回答，是因为不言自明根本没有回答的必要呢，还是自己的说教正好符合他的想法而又过于直截了当，一时使他难以开口呢？二者必居其一。”