a review of

edit: in the time since watching this with my friend last night, that same exact friend got arrested. i kid you not, i just went to bail them out at midnight o clock and after sitting in jail for hours with no phone call the only thing they wanted to talk about was how infuriating this movie was. original: bethany and rob are an adorable couple (no) who are in a straight, beige relationship. rob for some reason has never heard that men don't have to make one hundred percent of decisions for women, and tries so hard to fulfill a traditional cishet domin-ant/eering male role despite being an obvious sub. this isn't going well for rob because bethany is a brat (no pun intended) and likes to erratically top from the bottom (aka she's a closet case with a thing for hydrated women, which rob is not). rob spent five hours researching which restaurants to tell bethany he's taking her to while inside she desperately thirsts over teasing sweet blonde lesbos. poor rob. though, there is absolutely no way in ghey hell there weren't warning signs that bethany was so bored (so, so bored) (read: dry, not exploding) before she dragged rob on a trip to warsaw as her emotional support plane (plain) boyfriend to stalk a cute, hydrated flower lesbian she's had a crush on for sixteen years. ok, there is a kinda really bad narrator, and i don't know how to explain this, i know the characters talk to one another, but that is also mostly kinda really bad and might as well have just been narrated as well. around twenty minutes in i wondered if this was a lord of the rings adaptation. bethany is bored because rob cannot make her cum (because she's gay) (and because rob reports to her every day about how yellow his urine is) (he sits down to pee) and volcanoes make her think about cumming and hydrated lesbians, but volcanoes are not funny, they kill people and stuff. we follow the characters around blair witch handheld underexposed natural lighting style while they are on their euro hipster depression exploits. about fifty minutes in i thought to myself how kind it was they realized they didn't have enough material for a feature film and cut this down to seventy one minutes. around fifty two minutes in i wondered if this was a midsummer night's dream adaptation. (i'm sorry, i'm basically illiterate and have never read shakespeare, i just thought that would be cool.) that bumpin' beat was cool. monochrome volcanoes are cool. around fifty five minutes in i thought to myself how quaint (cruel) it was they thought they had basically enough material for a feature film and decided to go for it. i think they made this film on a dare. i think this could have worked alright with a forty-five minute run time and a different cinematographer. and different writers. and if it was ghey. i'm sorry i didn't like this i don't mean to be a brat about it.