suicide

I'm autistic and I have considered suicide due to sensory overload. Have you?

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic
#SensoryOverload
#Suicide
#SuicidePrevention
#SelfHarm
@actuallyautistic

I am at a serious loss for words and yet I need to write something. A #eulogy, maybe.

Yesterday evening, here on Fedi, I read a #suicide note by @Crimekillz , my first girlfriend of eight years and one of my closest friends and soul mates for most of our lives.

This morning, I learned from her family that she had indeed passed away yesterday night after purposefully overdosing on medication near her home. As if for her, it started snowing here for the first time this winter just now.

I hardly know what to write at this moment, I'm sorry.

This appears as an immediate consequence of her being bullied at #39C3, but it follows a life of serious tragedy and hardships. Autism, ADHD, schizophrenia, DID; a broken home, child abuse, bullying, exclusion. Tons of unhealed trauma, and myriads of complex and contradictory personalities stacked on top of each other.

She was all that and one of the most wonderful and interesting people I ever met. She was the most important person in my life for most of my existence.

I met Jenny on the German Minecraft forums when I was 13 and she was a couple of years older than me. She was my first and only best friend. She made me realise I was queer, she was the first person I ever loved. We started dating on the 1st of March of 2015, and we were together for almost eight years. We went through the teenage years, through both our transitions, our political socialisation, our earliest life stages and experiences. We eventually moved and lived together as what we used to describe as soul mates. We wanted to build a family.

I can not overstate the absolute integral role she has played in my life, my self-discovery and journey in my identity, my teenage years and early adulthood.

While eventually we drifted apart due to different social circles and an unfortunate third-roommate situation making us move to separate apartments, we split up amicably and kept in regular contact til the very end.

Jenny was one of the most wonderful and interesting people I knew. There was no other person in my life I have had this deep of a connection to as her.

There is absolutely nothing I could write here that could possibly do her justice in any way, or all the moments we've shared together.

She was a complex person of many contradictions. She was a lifelong rebel, and a fragile, deeply vulnerable soul at heart. She was an anarchist and a nonconformist, a furry and therian, a philosopher, an agender woman, a great girlfriend and someone who would have found it rad to be called a gender terrorist, a punk and a psychonaut, a queer bean, a kind soul, a hacker and cybercriminal in the best possible sense.

I would like to extend my sincerest condolences to everyone else who knew her and most importabtly, did not contribute to her passing away.

I would like to extend a hearty fuck-you to the people in the #Chaosbubble who stood by willingly as she was excluded and bullied; to her abusers; to the enablers. To the people who gave not a single damn about her feelings, who pressured her into a life of overstimulation and constant restlessness, who excluded her for superficial reasons, who abused therapy speech and called her "problematic" for being who she was.

May she be dearly missed, and rest in power.

To quote her last public words:
"There is beauty in darkness, I want my funeral to be a celebration, make it a rave. Maybe Luna has time to DJ."